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WHY HER? WHY?

Dear Lola,

Hello there!

I found your site and read the advice you give folks and you definatley know what you are talking about, so I thought I'd write with an issue. My bf and I have been together for over 5 years. We met on AFF. After meeting and dating a while, we set up a couples profile and have met some great other couples that we've shared some great times with. Anyhow, this last weekend, we met up with a couple that we chatted with online several times. When we met the couple in person, I didn't find them as attractive as there photos. She was kind of "rough" looking and very aggressive with me, the female. In the bathroom at the club, she started making out with me. I wanted to "make the best" of this, as we had gotten a hotel room ahead of time with the intention of getting togehter with them there after a few drinks. Also, when they showed up, she was already drunk. I texted my bf and told him I was uncomfortable and he texted me back asking me what did I want to do? I was hop! ing when I told him I was uncomfortable and had a wierd feeling about this couple that he would not want to go through with it. But when we got a chance to talk without them hearing, he said this time maybe I could "take one for the team". So, we went back to the hotel and he and the F went to one bed and me and the other M to the other. Me and my BF never connected physically like we usually do and I wasn't happy about that. She was very agressive with him, too, and was slapping him, which I said "hey, take it easy with my man". He told her to settle down, too. So, now I'm really uncomfortable, and going through the motions with the M. Finally, I said, I'm done, and I just watched my BF get it on with the F. he obvioulsy didn't care that she was the way she was, rough, drunk, and aggressive, and not the kind of woman I picutre us with. But he finally came in her, and then went into the bathroom to clean up. Then she says "does he (my BF) have a vasectomy"? I sai! d "No, aren't you on birth control" and she says no. I said w! hy, if i n this lifestyle, are you not using birth control?" Her hub said that she "has had some problems with it". I went into the bathroom to tell my BF, and we were both really upset. The other couple left and then the next day we got an email from them that said that "the accident will be taken care of". I am 46 and my bf is 44. The other couple were both 39 years old. Now, I am really turned off to this and want to take a break, which my BF said would be fine with him. But, I know he really likes this lifestyle and spends lots of time searching the sites for compatible couples for us to meet. I know this is partly my fault, I should have followed my intuition about this couple. But this was a really bad experience, and my BF has listened to my beef about it, but hasn't really said much about what happened. And I'm a bit upset that he was actually turned on by this woman. I mean, will he stoop this low just to have sex? We don't live together, we live about 2 hours away ! from each other. If my standards are higher than his as to what type of people we want to be with, I think this will be a problem. Will he have sex with just anyone? I don't want to be confrontational about this with him, but watching his with this women kind of makes me wonder.

Couple from the Midwest

Dear Couple from the Midwest,

Thank you so much for your email. I think you've presented some VERY important issues in your advice inquiry. Right away I see several areas that need to be addressed.

1) Internal and external communication

2) Safe sex practices

Internal and external communication
First and foremost communication is HUGE. Internal conversations with your partner BEFORE even indulging in as much as looking at online profiles and possibilities, is key. You must discuss your personal comfort zones as well as mutual agreed upon boundaries. This exercise does many things. You get the opportunity to express your own wants, needs and desires as well learn about your partner's. Often times you'll unlock desires or fantasies that are stimulating to you both and yet on the other hand, those you may identify as questionable and off limits -can be dealt with in an open and loving forum between yourselves before you find yourself in a situation that is unsettling, such as the one you have mentioned. The beauty of the open lines of communication is, even if you don't share the same exact fantasies you can mutually find a common agreeable ground where all parties are comfortable. From there you can then and only then seek an execution where you may both be fulfilled.

External communication is the dialogue you have as a couple outside of your relationship with other potential playmates. Once you and your partner have established your positions, desires and boundaries, they need to effectively be relayed to those you interact with. Let's face it while some claim to be psychic, most of us are not. If another party crosses one of your boundaries without ever being privy to it, it is no one's fault but your own. As a rule people are not mind readers. Boundaries can only be respected when one knows they exist. How you both communicate with others outside your relationship prior to any interaction is very important. When all playmates understand and respect one's wishes and boundaries there is a greater chance of a harmonious chemistry for all where all parties can enjoy and be fulfilled.

Safe Sex Practices
In the world of recreational sex, safety is paramount. Regular doctor's visits and updated test results not only keeps one on the road to healthy living, you not only give yourself piece of mind- you put your partner and playmates at ease as well. Whether a woman uses, birth control pills, IUD, Depo, or even if she or her man is 'sterile' condoms should always be used with recreational playmates. We are all grown consenting adults. This is not high school. The realistic threat of various std's and pregnancy is one we all know about. Condoms and birth control are easily accessible and many times free at local doctors offices, clinics and even Planned Parenthood. There is NO excuse for not having OR using proper protection. It's wonderful to participate in the LifeStyle and enjoy the freedom of sexuality yet that does not excuse laziness or irresponsibility. It is everyone's responsibility to be mindful of good hygene, as well as the maintinence and safety of their own health and body. Your safe sex practices need to implemented first in your internal communication as well as your external.

In the particular story you shared with me, none of the above were ever addressed. Communication is key in it all. When you voiced your concerns about being uncomfortable and he suggested to 'take one for the team', your beau allowed his desire over rule your shared intimate feelings. RED FLAG! One should NEVER 'take one for the team' when it pushes you outside of your comfort zone. It will ultimately lead resentment- which you are currently experiencing. Had you established simple communication of boundaries and expectations PRIOR to any encounter you may of avoided such a dilema. No one ever wants to go through the motions of being physical with a playmate- yet no one wants to be with a playmate who is faking it and 'going through the motions'. The Swing LifeStyle is about the beauty and freedom of sexuality not forced situations. Swing is about the joy of sex for all the parties involved. If the situation occurs where he once again pushes you into an uncomfortable situation- stand your ground. Politely excuse you and your boyfriend and have this discussion away from your playmates. These conversations should always be done privately. Do NOT put on a show for those guests you are keeping company with. Not only is it tacky it shows a lack of class and respect for your partner and all involved. Once in a place to converse privately, make your stance of being uncomfortable clear. Do not beat around the bush. Do not 'imply'. Call a spade a spade and let your position be crystal clear to your partner. This is not a time to be passive. If your relationship is strong, and you deliver your message in the proper manner you will both agree on a mutually comfortable way to proceed. On the flipside, if your views and feelings are not being respected- be prepared to leave, even if you are alone. Your private conversation should not be confrontational nor should it be an 'attack' on your partner. Simply open up the dialogue and state your concerns CLEARLY. Again, be prepared to leave the current situation either with or without your partner. For example, if he refuses to leave- be adult enough to gracefully exit. There doesn't need to be drama- he has already shown you his cards and his lack of respect for your comfort and inner feelings. To stay would be co-signing that your emotions are not valid, you are not to be respected and his desires will always reign priority. Respect YOURSELF enough to leave. Also remember what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If HE comes to you with concern, YOU too must adult enough to put your steamy desires aside to respect him and halt all activities.

In regards to the laws of attraction, this is one that all couples encounter. We are all individuals and so are our attractions to others. You can learn a lot from your partner by simply observing and listening. While you may be highly attracted to blondes he may only desire a brunette. It doesn't make it wrong...it's simply preference. You do not always need to be attracted to the same people, but you should ALWAYS be respectful. Don't try to compare yourself to the woman he's attracted to. If his attraction confuses you...open up the communication and find out what it is he's attracted to. It's that simple. You may learn something about him and it shows YOU respect HIS feelings which when done properly will draw you together. If your feelings of his standards are still an issue- honestly you will need to carefully re-evaluate the dynamics of your relationship as doubt will only lead to resentment. Personally, I've been in the position of wondering "Why is he attracted to HER". I learned taking the ego out of that statement is a learning experience. I've learned the turn-ons my husband has outside of 'me' and have learned to respect them. I also learned it was a two way street. He too wonders why I am attracted to a particular party. Now when this arises, we simply discuss it. Often times it ends up humerous, but the point being is...we've learned to communicate. In your particular scenario, my larger concern would not be whom he's attracted to BUT how he allowed his desires to be fulfilled without your concern at heart and with dangerous irresponsible activity, hence the unsafe safe and ejaculation in another woman unprotected. The goal is to always communicate, educate and be respectful. My advice to you is this: Do not be passive. If you love this man and your relationship, respect it enough to set the forum for an open discussion. First, do some self reflection. Evaluate if you were crystal clear in your convictions. Self reflection can be difficult for many as it's always hard to admit you were wrong, but when you care about a relationship, your ego should take a back seat. You may find where you could have approached things differently and learn from it. Pin point the items you want to discuss and do so. If you are still unable to communicate you need to be prepared to move one....without him. At the end of the day, if you don't respect yourself...who else will. I wish you the VERY best. Keep me updated and please remember to always play 'safely'. :)

Be Well, Be You...

Kisses,
Lola